What it means to show up

6 years ago, I reached 10,000 subscribers on Youtube. I was so excited to have reached that milestone. Told everyone in my family. Few minutes later, I hear a knock at my studio door. I open the door. It’s my dad, holding a lit candle. He’s got a huge smile on his face. Tells me this is just to congratulate me and pray for more success. This studio, by the way, was a garage which he transformed with his own hands into a gym on one side and a filming studio on the other. That studio is the foundation of the business my wife and I are running together today. 

My wife… speaking of my wife. She left her job and went all in with me, in the midst of the pandemic, when the whole world was brought into a pause, and uncertainty was the dominant energy. We then opened a business together that is now our common dream, and we’re building it into something even greater. 

When I had a phase in my late teens where I was picky about certain health recipes I wanted to eat and ingredients I wanted to avoid, my mom would prepare separate meals for me. She could’ve simply scoffed at the fact that I wanted to cook specific meals that were in line with my health goals, especially considering she was a full-time teacher. She could’ve gotten annoyed at how much work she has to do just for me to be happy and throw some passive-aggressive guilt inducing comments and rub it in my face for the rest of my life. Instead, she lovingly made a dedicated meal that respected my diet choices.

So, what is common about all these stories? What I’ve learned about the true nature of showing up is that it’s first of all in the form of actions, and second, specifically small, daily acts. The biggest two things that showing up is not is in the form of words (which include promises and all that crap) and in grand gestures. Grand gestures don’t prove or demonstrate anything. They’re usually meant to impress, to support; it’s about me, not about you. Not saying wanting to do something big is by default an ego move; you might want to surprise your loved one with a trip. Awesome, but if that’s all you rely on to prove your love and support, and do nothing when it comes to daily small gestures, you’re not showing up. Showing off is not showing up. 

Now, I’ll tell you why I said promises are crap, and I’m gonna quote my brother Jesus for that. Yeah, I call him my brother. Is that blasphemy? Don’t know. He never asked me to call him lord. He even refers to himself as the son of man. In fact, he just asked me and anyone who chose to read the verses to be loving and compassionate and not fucking judge everyone around you, and to treat them the way you wanna be treated. Sounds simple enough. Wonder how many people get the message, especially the loud self-proclaimed believers… but that’s a story for another time. 

Now, back to the promise crap. Concerning oaths and vows, he says in Matthew 5:37 to “simply let your ‘yes’ be ‘yes’ and your ‘no’ be ‘no’. Anything more comes from the evil one.” Yeah, that’s another solid example of showing up. I don’t fucking need to promise you anything. My word is as heavy as a promise and oath. How does it feel when someone says “I’m there” and means it? That feels powerful. You know you can trust their word. You know they show up. Their presence, their way of life, emanates something deeply rooted. They carry weight in their spirit, but not the kind of weight that is overbearing or suffocating, but the kind that is reassuring. That’s showing up. There’s something in their eyes that doesn’t waver, that isn’t shaken by circumstances of life. There’s something quiet, humble, determined and steady in their behavior.

Showing up is a daily choice, and choices don’t care about moods, ‘cause yeah, you don’t always feel like doing it, but when you choose it despite the circumstance, there’s a humble smile of acceptance and deep sense of peace that comes from it. Choice being independent of mood doesn’t mean it’s in denial of it. That’s where the power of the choice is. You do it knowing you’re in a shitty mood for example, and knowing the value of doing it despite that. You allow yourself to accept the feeling, yet without resenting the person who you’re showing up for, because why did you choose to do it, then? The answer to that question is where your power is. 

Sometimes, showing up isn’t really noticed by anyone, just like you don’t notice a huge crate filling with water when it’s drop by drop. Buddha said “a jug fills drop by drop”. Precisely, you don’t notice it until a certain point, but then the impact is undeniable. Those who show up don’t do it for awards - they do it because it’s who they are and what they do, like a tree gives you fruit because that’s who it is and what it does. Do you thank the sun for giving you light and warmth? Probably not, and it doesn’t give a fuck, because it fulfills its purpose by being itself and acting by its true nature. Of course, unlike the sun you have the power to choose whether you show up or not (unless the sun is sentient like us… maybe). So, with every choice you make of showing up, or not, you fill the jug, or not, and in both cases, you make a lasting difference, one obviously more beneficial than the other. To show up by choice is to have meaning, and to honor that meaning. To show up is to know your purpose. Knowing the purpose of your relationship with your wife or husband, girlfriend, boyfriend, friend, family member or child will determine how you show up. So, tell me, how do YOU show up for them? And how do they show up for you? Do you have someone you show up with consistently and who shows up for you? Let me know in the comments. 

To go back to the golden rule of treating others as you’d like to be treated, how does that reflect on the value of showing up? For me, it starts with asking myself how I want people to show up in my life, and then using that as my guide to show up in theirs. And you know what, showing up isn’t just being there for your son or daughter’s practice, for example, even when you’re swamped with work or taking your significant other out on a date, even when you’ve lived together for years and you can kinda take that for granted. Showing up can be something as powerful as just being present. Present. Pause and feel that word. Being present with someone, without the distractions of your phone, or the millions of thoughts running through your mind. Being able to listen to them completely and acknowledge THEIR presence and feelings. What the fuck, Mark?! That’s not a complicated or impressive move there! No, it isn’t, and still, it’s neglected by many more people than you think. Yet it’s one of the most powerful things you can do for someone, when they need you to listen, when they need to be heard, or sit with them when they’re feeling low, without needing to cheer them up, just BEING there. That’s showing up. “I’m here. I’m here with you. I’m here for you.” That’s your mantra for showing up.